befraxis blog

Mairi came into my life about two years ago. She came from Arizona with a cheap trailer, four kids from three different fathers, and a seriously negative attitude. We met on a frosty October afternoon and with my Victorian upbringing, I developed a seriously negative attitude toward her. However, as time went on and I matured, we evolved from wary strangers into polite acquaintances then into comfortable friends

Her trip from Arizona was fraught with headaches which don’t have anything to do with the story so we’ll ignore them. She moved into a Wisconsin trailer park with a house made for 80 weather and her last electric bill was almost as much as all of my utilities put together. Since she had no money and no income other than public assistance, she became dependent on her father, Edison. Edison lives about 100 miles from her. And since everything was going wrong with the trailer, Edison spent many hours and dollars fixing things. Actually fixing just about everything. Like the doors, the windows, the plumbing, the heater, the furniture and sometimes the kids.

Kids are 12 year old Stone, 10 year old Amaryllis, 5 year old Zoey and Fritz, the baby at 2. Stone and Amaryllis were fathered by her first - and only - husband who whiled away his time drinking, drugging and mishandling the family. Zoey’s father, Manny, plays a large role in Mairi’s life now, but at the time of his child’s birth, took off and left them. Little Fritz’s father is now in jail. So Mairi didn’t have any support, paternal or financial, bringing up the kids. Surprisingly enough, except for a few mild instances of running away, tearing up the house, starting fires, lying, stealing and cheating, the kids are pretty good. They behave well in restaurants, which has always been my idea of the ultimate test, and they’re very loving. To me, at least. And their grandpa. And uncles.

Mairi has two brothers, Joker and Brick, who affectionately consider her an idiot or in more forgiving times, a ditz. She gets excellent advice from her father and brothers which, if she had to pay for it, would cost her a couple of her kids. Giving up an arm and a leg would make life difficult. Unfortunately, she knows best and anyway marches to her own drummer.

For instance. Prior to moving to Arizona to live near her best friend, April, Edison pleaded with her not to go because she would be all alone if anything clouded her relationship with April. She claimed all would be well because April was her best friend and they’d help each other babysitting, drinking coffee, eating cookies together and generally reenacting the Brady Bunch. About two months later April stole money from Mairi and accused her of sleeping with her husband. Apparently, she never accused her husband of sleeping with Mairi, though. She then stole Mairi’s truck and hid it from her. That was about the first time Mairi thought that maybe her father had some sense. Not a lot, perhaps, but some.

Then there was the matter of moving the trailer. In her more financially comfortable days, Mairi bought a lot in Arizona and put the trailer on it. She built a fence completely surrounding the property, had drainage ditches dug, ran gas, electric and phone lines in and made herself a very nice nest.

When the love affair with April fell apart and Mairi decided her best bet was to move to Wisconsin, she contacted a realtor by telephone to sell her lot. She never met with the realtor nor did she give the woman any instructions other than “sell it”. Well, as they say, out of sight, out of mind. Mairi moved and realtor Wanda forgot all about her. Why bother with a $2,000 commission?. Edison kept after her to make contact with Wanda to see what was happening but Mairi, not unlike most of us, doesn’t like confrontation so she creatively came up with one excuse after another. It’s now been 18 months and still little has happened. To be fair, though, she did get a new realtor assigned to her property but Jill isn’t anymore interested than Wanda.

Manny reentered her life a few months ago. He has a bit of a rap sheet, severe credit problems, no job and bad teeth. Bless him, though, he treats all of the kids as though they were his own. Management by screaming. Well, Manny, after much nagging from Edison, has found himself a good job but, his past is catching up with him and he has problems with his taxes and the court system meaning that he’ll have to take time off from his new job to perform community service and visit the IRS. Do you think the new job will sit still for him? But Mairi is happy he’s there, nonetheless, albeit it’s a little crowded with six people in an 800 square foot house.

Mairi was suffering from endometriosis and had a hysterectomy several months ago. She claims her doctor, Dumi, is a first class nitwit, quack and charlatan. Two months after the original surgery and after undergoing three more surgeries because Dumi didn’t sew her up right, she’s finally healing and reflecting. She wonders how much it would cost to put a contract out on Dumi. I wonder how much it would cost to put a contract out on Dumi.

Mairi’s beat up truck was uninsured but she drove it from Arizona anyway because she’s always had good luck driving and been in very few accidents. Edison bought her car insurance and the following week, a nice big Lexus rear ended her. Unfortunately, Manni was in the truck and the police checked his ID and arrested him. Apparently, he was still wanted in upstate Wisconsin for something or other and he spent the night in jail until Edison and Brick bailed him out.

Nonetheless, it has been an exciting adventure knowing Mairi and because I will soon become her stepmother, she and I will be together for a long time. I can’t wait to see what else she gets herself - and us -involved in.

(Names have been changed to protect the guilty)

Ann O. Nimus knows some fascinating people and loves to tell tales of them. Juliana Johnson is a good listener and tries to write her stories.

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“They may forget what you said,
but they will never forget how you made them feel.”
Carl W. Buechner

The Five-Minute Miracle works in any type of relationship -
relatives, spouse, children, colleagues, friends - you name it.
The premise is simple. Here’s how it works:

1. Choose a relationship that you know needs some work.

2. For five minutes give that person your total attention.

What does that mean?

a. Listen only to them: ignore your own thoughts,
don’t worry about your response, just listen

b. See them as they are: don’t project traits or
qualities onto them, simply see them as they are right then

c. Make eye contact: use touch where appropriate,
communicate with your body language remembering
that ninety percent of communication is non-verbal.

Each and every day, use the five-minute miracle
within one of your relationships. You may find it hard
to be that focused (it’s not easy) which is why we only
do it for five minutes. I guarantee though that by doing
this focused exercise you will learn A LOT about
communication that will affect you outside of your
designated “Five-Minute Miracle ” times.

Your Assignment

Choose someone whom you want to improve your communications with and practice the Five-Minute Miracle.

Brook Noel is the author of The Change Your Life Challenge:
A 70 Day Life Makeover Program for Women. Her unique
program has helped thousands of women “makeover” all
aspects of their lives. Learn more at http://www.changeyourlifechallenge.com

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Over the past few months, things in my life have been better than ever. New home, new friends, and wonderful career. Yet I found myself uncharacteristically asking, “Self, why am I feeling so frustrated? Why am I getting upset at the smallest of situations?”

I did a little digging (soul searching, if you will) and realized that as wonderful as things were going at the moment, like most of us, I had some unfinished business out there.

There were a handful of people and negative relationships that were still on my mind and wanted to do something about it.

What I came up with was the realization that out of all the people or things I was angry with, none of them (did I believe) truly meant to cause me harm. In other words, they had no intent for malice; it was only the interpretation of the event or situation that caused me anger and pain.

Think about this for a second. How many times have you gotten into arguments over the silliest of things, only to later realize how foolish you were being and to acknowledge that you’d simply gotten caught up in the moment?

After pondering this question for a bit, I decided to do something I should have done long ago. I thought about the few relationships in my life that were less than perfect or had ended on a sour note. I then committed myself to research what had caused the upheaval and to do my best to rectify the relationships that lacked a harmful intent.

I asked myself whether my ex-wife had really intended to slander me with the things she said, or whether she’d been speaking through her frustration and uncertainty of losing a relationship that she had shared for over half her lifetime. Had my father intended to discard our relationship, or was he simply avoiding me to save himself from having to deal with his own ex-wife who may have said some terrible things to him as well?

Get the picture?

Now, as personal as this is, I share it with you this month because what happened next was truly amazing. By taking action toward repairing the past and eliminating the negative feelings I was carrying, I rekindled some of the best relationships I’d ever known.

Look, I’m not asking you to play God and pretend to know what people think. However, you can use common sense and make an educated guess. For example, if someone borrows your car and crashes it, ask yourself whether they meant to do it. More than likely, they didn’t, so why end a relationship over it? However, if someone takes a bat to your car and smashes it to pieces, you’re probably safe in assuming they had a negative intent.

Now let me ask you, do you have any relationships that may have been severed from an accident or misunderstanding? In retrospect, do you think the person truly intended to destroy, upset, or provoke you? Was a bat involved, or just angry words and misguided thoughts? If you can’t find evidence of a harmful intent, pick up the phone, say hello, and let go of your resentment.

Best wishes, and keep smilin’…..

Gregory Scott Reid, #1 best-selling author, speaker and Radio personality.
Please visit my website at http://www.AlwaysGood.com and sign up for my free monthly newsletter.

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Extreme Breakup Recovery

Maximum Healing - Minimum Time

If you are going through the emotional rollercoaster of a breakup, feeling pain, anger and depression, know this: You don’t need to suffer one more day over your ex! It doesn’t matter how long you have suffered, it is time to give up the pain and open up to a life free of pain, and the best advice regarding break ups is: USE THIS BREAKUP TO YOUR BENEFIT.

After a breakup, everybody has two choices. One, leave the healing to time. Two, take charge of the recovery process. The first method will take a long time, pain and suffering before healing. It is slow and torturous. The second method, taking control, will allow anyone to accelerate the healing process, learn fast and move on, leaving space to find healthier and more fulfilling love than ever before. You may need some guidance on the steps for a fast and productive emotional healing. We have never been taught how to heal emotionally, so when we go through an emotional situation we are on our own. We need a method, a successfully proven method for emotional healing.

The Extreme F.A.S.T. method is an effective, simple and practical alternative to heal faster than you thought possible. Three facts make this method a very exciting proposition: First, it works; second, anyone can follow it and get results; third, it creates permanent change in the negative pattern of relationships. This method is the ultimate healing tool: a quick, productive, effective and confronting method to heal as fast as you can. The steps are: Face It, Accept It, See The Lessons and Take Yourself To A New Level.

The first step is Face It. The alternative to facing it, is denying it. You can accelerate your healing process by facing what you need to face. It’s important to know what to face and how. This is a crucial step to start feeling better.

The second step in the Extreme F.A.S.T. breakup recovery method is Accept It. Acceptance means that we can look into ourselves for honest answers about specific issues from the relationship.

The third step in the Extreme F.A.S.T. breakup recovery method is See The Lessons. Life is always guiding us to what is best for us. Through joyful and painful experiences, you learn lessons that help you grow. The key is to know where to look for the lessons, and how to make sense of the experiences. As you see the particular lessons you prepare for fulfilling and healthy relationships.

The fourth and last step in the Extreme F.A.S.T. breakup recovery method is Take Yourself To A New Level. This means to get to a new level in your life where you can start living in a more fulfilling way.This step also includes specific strategies to increase your self-esteem.

By going through these steps, the Extreme F.A.S.T. breakup recovery method can really help you accelerate your healing and get ready for a new love. To find more information about each step and how to do it yourself read the EXTREME BREAKUP RECOVERY book and follow the worksheets and exercises designed for Maximum Healing in Minimum Time. Your true partner is already on the way; the more you suffer and prolong your healing, the more you will delay his or her arrival.

2007 Jeanette Castelli. Adapted from the book “Extreme Breakup Recovery: Maximum Healing Minimum Time,” by Jeanette Castelli, M.S. Featuring the Extreme F.A.S.T. breakup recovery method and packed with advice, exercises, worksheets and affirmations. Available online at the website http://ExtremeBreakupRecovery.com , Amazon.com , other online retailers and bookstores.
For more information, go to http://ExtremeBreakupRecovery.com

Jeanette Castelli is an expert breakup recovery and relationship coach, international author and speaker. She is an expert in recovery and healing processes, including divorce, breakups, and emotional trauma. To read more about Jeanette Castelli her books and coaching, visit http://JeanetteCastelli.com/

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Guys who come up to women in bars and ask: “hey baby, what’s your sign?” Since statistics reveal that couples fight over money more than any other issue, maybe a better question to start off a potential relationship is to first find out the other person’s money personality.

I just learned about money personality typing in a recent workshop and it is quite fascinating. Basically there are four personality types:

The Savers/Hoarders

Savers embrace the concept of putting something away for a rainy day. Savers describe themselves as responsible. Some of their friends may describe them as stingy or tightwads. Having money make hoarders feel in control and secure. The downside of being a Hoarder is that you may carry it too far and never enjoy what you have accumulated. It could be no fun to live with an extreme Saver.

The Spenders

On the other side of the coin are the Spenders. These folks love instant gratification. You make money to spend it. Funny thing about Spenders are that they are usually not only spending money, but other resources too, like energy, and passion. So, it may be a blast to hang out with an extreme Spender (just imagine going shopping with one), it may also be exhausting and the pleasure fleeting. Another potential problem is that extreme Spenders will spend money they don’t have and accumulate huge debts.

The Avoiders

Bobby McFerrin wrote the song “Don’t worry, be happy” just so these folks can have their theme song. They seldom bother even opening their bank statements. It’s just too much trouble to balance their check books. “Gosh darn, did I send in a payment late again? You see, I really needed to wash my car and get a haircut and..” If you are a fellow Avoider, you probably will get along famously with one. If you like your life orderly, you’re in for a rough time, and may find yourself taking on all the money management tasks in the relationship.

The Money Monks

This groups termed themselves “Holier than dough”. They are too spiritual to be concerned about something as pedestrian as money matters. Consequently, they very seldom have any money to be concerned about. Again, if you are paired with a Money Monk, you may have to shoulder the money management responsibilities all your own.

I have intentionally described these personalities to the extreme. Not many people are quite that extreme. However, we all have a tendency to be closer to one type than the rest. So, think about how you operate and if you have to categorize yourself, what is your money personality type? What is the type of your significant other? Based on your answers, can you anticipate what issues you would have with each other regarding the issue of money? Even if you both are the same money personality, what money issues are you facing? What are you unhappy about in regards to your money situation? What’s one action can you commit to that will improve that situation?

If you are a couple who tend to fight over how each other spends money, here’s a suggestion: decide on an amount (call it an allowance or whatever you like) that you each get monthly. Choose an appropriate amount based on your income and financial situation. Regardless of how much each party earns, the amount MUST be the same for both. Then make a pact that you each get to spend that allowance whichever way you choose no questions or criticism from either party. If you are a Saver, and decided to put your allowance into the bank, but your wife went out and bought herself a Kate Spade bag, that’s okay, because that is the agreement. How many arguments could you have avoided if you had this arrangement in place?

Now that you know about money personalities, figure out what you like about your personality and what you would like to change. Then ask your partner: “what’s your money personality?”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Do you need some structure and accountability to propel you forward? Personal Coach Inez Ng has worked with professionals and entrepreneurs to transform their aspirations into reality. While focusing on specific areas, her coaching positively impacts all areas of her clients’ lives. Learn more about coaching with Inez at http://www.RealizationsUnltd.com

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We are meant to live a life of love. However, no matter how successful some are in other aspects of their lives, they donat feel itas realistic to have the same success in love.

But being in love is the most realistic thing you can do. It energizes your life, fills you with positivity, creates generosity and makes every moment beautiful. The body heals the heart is happy. The real question is, why arenat we in love all the time? What keeps it away?

The following steps will show you how easy it is to open your eyes and find love wherever you go. .

1) THE ONE RIGHT BESIDES YOU

Most of the time we are searching for the right person and donat take a moment to stop and see who is right in front of our eyes.

- Look at a person who is close to you right now a” anyone it happens to be.

-Notice the ways in which you push him away. Stop doing that.

-Allow the two of you to be together in whatever way you are.

-Do the same thing tomorrow with someone else.

We dismiss so many people who are in our worlds, while waiting for the aright onea to appear. The more we can be arighta with everyone, the sooner weall find just what weare looking for.

2)PLAYING AT LOVE

So many complain that they are not loved. The reason for this is they are so busy playing games their partner never knows who they really are.

-Notice what games you play in relationships, and what games you demand others play. See if you are in love with the person, or with the game you are both playing right now.

-Become aware of the difference between who you are and the games you play. Let the games and be who you are. Who you are is always loveable. Itas the games that get in the way.

3)LETTING HIM COME AND LETTING HIM GO

-One obstacle to falling in love is the tendency to hold on to what is wrong. We grasp and cling to whatever we have, preventing the right one from coming to us.

-When someone comes into your life (or day) practice letting him come.

a”Enjoy him/her for whoever he is.

-When it is time for a person to go, practice letting him go. Do not turn this into an experience of rejection or loss. It is simply time for him to go.

- Do this with yourself as well. Let yourself come and go freely, not tying yourself in chains. The more we free others and ourselves, the more easily we fall in love.

4)PUTTING YOUR BAGGAGE DOWN

Many feel that love is not possible unless all their demands are met. They can be quite amazed to discover that these demands donat lead to happiness. They may even be obstacles to falling in love.

- Take a look at what you feel is absolutely necessary in relationships. Realize this is baggage you are carrying that may be keeping all kinds of people and possibilities away.

- Let one of these demands subside. At first let it go for just one day. (Remember you can always take it back again). Now try another day. The more you do this the more lighter and happier you will feel. And the more space you will make for all kinds of new people, possibilities and situations to come your way.

5)GIVING GIFTS

-What gifts do you give others in relationships? And what do you hope to receive in return? Itas important to give openly as well as to receive.

- Find something new you can give to somebody. Give it. Do this everyday. It does not have to be fancy or expensive. Do this with all kinds of different people. Do it quietly without fanfare and without expecting something in return.

- Do this with yourself as well. Each day take a moment to find out what kind of gift you would like today. (A walk in the park, new lipstick, time with someone you care for.) Give this to yourself each day. Although this exercise is simple, it is extremely powerful. Doing this daily in your relationship can turn everything around. By living with this open, generous mind, all kinds of other gifts come to you naturally.

6) MAKING FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF

Many say they are lonely, even with a partner at their side. This is simply because they have not yet made friends with themselves. Once they make friends with themselves and are able to be who they are, loneliness disappears.

Make friends with yourself. Spend time noticing who you are. Accept all parts of yourself. Stop judging and rejecting what is going on inside. Understand you are perfect just as you are. Then choose to do the same in relationships. Choose to have relationships with those who want and appreciate just what you are.

Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D., psychologist, speaker and author is a long term Zen practitioner whose work integrates Zen and everyday life. The relationship expert on i.village.com, she is the author of many books. The most recent is Living By Zen (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life), http://www.livingbyzen.com Take a minute to go to this site to learn more about the book.
Dr. Shoshanna is also the author of Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Zen Miracles, (Finding Peace In An Insane World) and many other books. She can be reached at [mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com]topspeaker@yahoo.com Her personal website is http://www.brendashoshanna.com

Technorati tags: love time right are. games

“If he comes we welcome,

If he goes we do not pursue”

Zen saying

We all want love. We are all searching for some lasting relationship. Yet it always seems as if relationships are difficult, difficult to find, to keep and to enjoy. Though many do all they can, problems, complications and disappointment arise.

But from the Zen point of view, struggling to find and keep love is the opposite of what is needed. First we must learn ‘do nothing’. We must learn how to let go of control.

Rena started Zen practice after losing two important relationships. Devastated, she was convinced she could never hold onto love.

She told the Zen Master, “I can’t bear losing even one more person.”

“You will lose many,” the Zen Master said.

Rena gasped.

“Inevitable.”

“What can I do about it?” Rena shot back.

“Do nothing,: the Zen Master said.

This ‘do nothing’ is active and vital, the very opposite of passivity. In order to understand this, we must take a step back.

We are born wanting to control our world and the people in it. We scream to get food from mother, smile to receive the attention we crave and, when our needs aren’t met kick up a great fuss. As infants we feel that others are here simply to care for us and keep us content. This kind of attitude can be very hard to outgrow. In fact, it can be said that 99% of our precious life energy goes into controlling others so that our desires can be fulfilled.

What we call love in relationships is often no more than having someone who makes us feel good.

The Zen way is the opposite. We do not try to use others, control events, or demand that life fulfill our dreams. Instead, we grow aware of and accepting of all that is given, and learn to take care of the world we live in. As we do this, an odd thing happens, we become more and more fulfilled. As we grow in compassion and simplicity, all we truly need then comes naturally.

Doing Nothing

The only real miracle is to stand still. -Henry Miller

Unfortunately, the idea of ‘doing nothing’ has been greatly misunderstood. It does not mean be passive. Just the opposite. Do nothing is the most challenging, demanding, revolutionary instruction that can be given. It means, when faced with life’s challenges - let go of control.

In order to learn how to do this in Zen meditation we are given this instruction - “Don’t Move.” Usually we move (and react) all the time. When something bothers us, we shift, change our position, do anything we can to fix it. Although our behavior alters the condition for a little while, it usually comes back again, sometimes more intensely, sometimes in another form. Likewise, no matter what action we take in relationships, often there is nothing that will cause the trouble to go away.

As we surrender control over the condition, we allow things to be as they are. We allow the entire world to play itself out in front of our eyes. This profound action implies an immense respect for the intrinsic nature of people and events, for a larger design in the universe, which brings our good to us, and removes that which no longer belongs.

How often we try to grasp and hold onto that which is no longer suitable, or to desperately maneuver to obtain that which may be entirely wrong. When we do not control, but rather appreciate what is happening, (or who is coming our way) we are yielding to a higher wisdom, permitting life to take its own course.

True Action

When we’re in a difficult situation, most of our actions create more upset and complications. These are not truly actions, but reactions. True action is something different. It is clear, spontaneous, purposeful, direct.

In order to arrive at true action we must, first, do nothing. This means we must stop doing what we used to do, cease our knee jerk reactions, stop living like Sisyphus, rolling the same rock up the same mountain. We must be able to bear the temporary discomfort of stopping our usual ways.

As we do this, many upsets dissolve naturally. We do not fan the flames. We do not turn a summer rain into a violent thunderstorm, which can tear an entire relationship apart.

When you are faced with a difficult knot in a relationship, or when you are trying to find someone new to love - don’t squirm and wrestle, don’t enter into a struggle. “Do nothing” give up control. Stay centered and immovable in the middle of the storm and see what the life is truly bringing to you. Keep clear and compassionate. Let the situation unfold as it will. Don’t get picked up and whirled around like a leaf in the wind.

Relax Your Grip

Zen teaches us how to relax our grip. As this happens we begin to see each person as they truly are, not as we wish or demand. We also realize that it is not an act of love, to try to change and control another. It is an act of love to discover and appreciate who they truly are.

When we let each moment, each person be exactly as they are this is the great work of doing nothing. It is the work of non-interference with the primal wisdom of the universe, which runs through all things and beings, including ourselves.

When we step back and allow this harmony to take over, our entire lives are healed and enhanced. That which is right for us comes naturally, and difficult situations find their own healing as well. When we honor and uphold life as it is given, then inevitably, life honors and upholds us.

Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D., psychologist,workshop leader and author is a long term Zen practitioner whose work integrates Zen and everyday life. This article is based upon her most recent book, Living By Zen (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life) http://www.livingbyzen.com. Take a minute to go to the site to find out more about the book. Dr. Shoshanna, the relationship expert on i.village is also the author of Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Zen Miracles, (Finding Peace In An Insane World) and many other books. She can be reached at [mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com]topspeaker@yahoo.com Her personal website is http://www.brendashoshanna.com

Technorati tags: life which love must take

Anchoring is an NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) term used to describe the mind’s tendency to associate two unrelated events or experiences, especially when a strong emotion is present.

For example, if your mother fed you chicken soup when you were ill as a child, you will always associate chicken soup to being loved and cared for.

On the down side, if you once contracted food poisoning from eating tainted pickles, just the smell of pickles will be enough to bring on a feeling of nausea many years after the event.

How does anchoring work in relationships?

If you come home from work elated by a promotion and see your lover’s face, you will link that feeling of elation to the sight of his or her face. By the same token, if you hate your job and constantly talk about those feelings over dinner with your spouse, you’ll unconsciously begin to associate the bad feelings with him or her.

In that case, you must make a conscious effort to share more good times with them so you will more readily associate positive feelings to the sight of their face.

Sharing good times creates positive anchors or associations. It helps you to weather the less positive times that every couple experiences at some stage in their relationship.

Breaking up is often the result of linking too many negative anchors to the sight of your partner’s face, with no knowledge of how to counteract them by deliberately creating positive ones.

Here’s a common example. A young doctor whose wife works to help him through medical school may decide to divorce her after he graduates. This is because he associates the sight of her face to the hard times they experienced during those years. Of course this is all unconscious - all he knows is that he feels bad whenever he looks at her. He mistakenly takes this as a sign that the relationship isn’t working.

Now that you know how anchoring works, use it intentionally to improve your relationship.

1. Plan positive events together and make sure you don’t let any negativity intrude on the event. Save arguments or disagreements for a later time.

2. During the height of an intensely positive moment you are sharing,

(a) touch your loved one lightly on the knee or arm,

(b) squeeze the person’s hand, or

(c) put your arms around him or her.

The next time you repeat the same gesture with this person in some other context, it will reawaken some of those original emotions in them.

In a similar way, if you touch someone in a specific way when they are feeling sad, for example, you squeeze their shoulder or put an arm around them at a funeral, touching them later in the same way will reawaken those feelings of sadness. So be careful about what sorts of emotions you are associating to your touch, words or face.

How does this apply to gifts?

A gift is by its nature an anchor. Every time the recipient looks at the gift, they will remember the occasion when they received it, especially if they experienced strong emotions at the time.

So you can help guarantee that your gift will be a strong ongoing anchor if you make sure that you create a truly memorable experience - such as an extremely romantic evening - when you present the gift.

A woman will always remember following a trail of rose petals in her lover’s apartment to find the necklace he purchased for her birthday.

A man will always remember being presented with his own personal star by a lover dressed only in a star-patterned bra and g-string.

It’s also important to consider the opposite effect.
Never give a gift by way of apology. You don’t want to create negative anchors by giving gifts after an argument.

If you give your wife a diamond ring to apologize for the fact that she caught you cheating with your secretary, the ring will always remind her of your infidelity.

If you give your husband a new watch to apologize for crashing his BMW, he’ll remember your transgression every time he checks the time.

Even if those memories don’t make it to conscious awareness, they’re lurking just under the surface. It makes better sense to allow them to fade away, instead of attaching them to physical objects like gifts.

Keep things simple. A genuine apology is all that’s required after an argument. Save gifts for positive occasions.

Marguerite Bonneville

Marguerite Bonneville is a Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) whose passion is publishing information online. She is a contributing writer at http://www.romantic-gift-ideas-online.com, a resource site dedicated to helping visitors find the perfect romantic gift.

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Love is something we all need, and want.
For love, some have lived, and many others have died.

Though the scriptures say it is more blessed to give than to receive, many of us are more concerned with receiving love than giving it.

Did you know that love could be proactive or reactive?

Let me explain:

Being proactive is to make things happen, rather than waiting for them to happen, to decide what you want and go after it, to decide what you dont want and prevent it.

Proactive people take charge of their lives, assuming responsibility for their successes and failures. They are usually positive people.

On the other hand, being reactive is to wait for what we want to happen, complaining and responding negatively if it doesnt. In fact, most reactive people never know what they really want in life. They seem to complain out of habit.

They blame everyone but themselves for whatever happens or doesnt happen.
And they are usually quite negative.

With these definitions in mind, it is easier to see how we could be reactive or proactive in love.

Proactive lovers decide to give unconditional love.
They look for reasons to love, rather than reasons not to.

A proactive lover gives without expecting returns, forgives suffered wrongs, and keeps no record of hurts.

A reactive lover has quite a different agenda!
His love has conditions.
She keeps a journal of suffered wrongs.
Their constant refrain is, aI did this because you did thata.

They donat love you if you donat call, or youare late for a date.
They complain about what you do, or donat do for them - how you donat make them happy anymore, you forgot a birthday or said something you shouldnat have.

Proactive love gives. Reactive love takes.

One builds up, the other wears down.

One is a blessing, the other is a strain.

One is selfless, the other selfish.

In a proactive-love situation, you commit to keeping the fires of love burning, not expecting them to burn of their own accord.

You know it will not be easy.
But because you care, you are ready to go the extra mile and do whatever it takes.

You believe in your partner, and you believe in love.

You know that love is not the arosya feeling, which comes and goes without notice.
It is a commitment, through thick and thin, independent of your feelings.

Rather than wait to receive love, you give it first.
And in selfless sowing you reap a harvest bigger than your seed.

God is Love.
He is a proactive lover.
aFor God so loved the world that He gavea.a
His love is described in scripture as steadfast, everlasting, and tender.

We ought to love by Godas example.
He loved us before we could appreciate it.
He loves us, even though we sometimes throw it back in His face!

So hereas the moral in this article:

All things being equal, you are more likely to create the loving relationship you desire, by being a proactive lover.
Even if your love is not returned, you would have sown seeds that will surely come back to you. Perhaps in the next relationship.
And in all the ones you have at present a” with neighbours, friends, family etc.

However, if reactive loving is your style, your negative seeds will sprout in every relationship you have, possibly causing a vicious cycle of failed relationships.

Remember the Law of Attraction, which is also stated as the Law of Sowing and Reaping.
You get what you attract, you reap what you sow.

Regarding relationships, we could restate this law thus: Your relationship is the harvest of the seeds YOU have sown.
Therefore, to change your relationship, you must start by changing YOU, not your partner!

If you want it better, become a better person.
Be more considerate. Be more tolerant.
Listen more. Criticize less.
Give only what you would like to receive.

Your relationship is your responsibility.
From its beginning you must be conscious of this fact.
Whatever becomes of it is entirely between the parties involved.

Action Steps:

1. Decide what kind of relationship you want.
What are your expectations for this relationship?
I believe in discussing this with your partner so that hopes are not eventually dashed, and expectations are clear.

2. Make a list of the proactive things you could do to bring about the relationship you desire. Commit to doing these, even when the going gets tough.
Remember, love is a commitment. It requires conscious effort.

3. Concern yourself with being a blessing. Give first what you would like to receive.
Remember, you reap what you sow.

Brian Tracy says, aIt is not the world outside you that dictates your circumstances or conditions. It is the world inside you that creates the conditions of your lifea.

Remember, success is by design, and failure by default, even in love!

So, permit me to ask you: How do you love?
Proactively or reactively?

What results are you achieving?
Desirable or undesirable?

You can have the relationship you desire, but the onus is yours to make it happen.

Proactively.

Oma Edoja is a published writer, speaker and infopreneur. She speaks and writes on a variety of topics. Please visit her weblog http://omaslounge.blogspot.com for contact information.

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The toys are put away, homework’s done and the kids are in bed. The lunches are made and the dishwasher is on. You wash your face, brush your teeth, choose clothes for tomorrow and then collapse into bed beside your spouse. You lean over give your mate a perfunctory kiss and casually comment that your sex life “sure isn’t what it used to be before kids”-and instantly fall asleep.

It’s a familiar scenario that finds its way into jokes and television sit-coms. Nurturing love, intimacy and romance can often drop to the bottom of the list for working parents. It is easy to understand how this happens. Leaving your love life to the last may not intentional-it may just be the result of a jam-packed existence. In a working parent’s world there is always some event, commitment or task that you or your partner feel you must attend to before taking time for your romantic relationship.

Keeping the fires burning in your relationship calls for courage. Though this may, at first, seem like an odd statement to make, I draw attention to it because you have risked your love life by introducing new people into the family mix. It’s easier to revel in the unquestioning need your children have for you than risk re-establishing your relationship with your partner on new terms. Regenerating passion, deepening intimacy and growing together in the ever-changing dynamic of working parenthood is not necessarily easy but it can be done.

Communicate lovingly

Speak your truth…tactfully. Studies show the number one deterrent to intimacy is lack of communication. The foundation of a satisfying intimate relationship is in knowing and understanding each other’s desires and dreams. It is better to speak your truth honestly and gracefully, though you may feel like you’re risking rejection, than to harbor anger and/or resentment towards your partner.

Create space for intimacy

Make space in your schedule for intimacy. I know it doesn’t sound very romantic or spontaneous. But if you are like most North American working women today, if you don’t “pencil in” some romance time, you might find it just doesn’t happen. You’ll find that when a “date night” is in your calendar, you start to look forward to it and that can become a turn-on. And scheduling time to connect with your partner at a deeper level than “what’s for dinner” and “who’s picking up the kids?” will boost your intimacy quotient.

Remember “me time”

Before there is “us” time, there needs to be “me” time. In other words, take an interest in your personal needs and give yourself permission to take care of you first. This is an essential building block for an intimate and giving relationship with someone else. When you are feeling valued, relaxed, healthy, and worry-free, you’ll have more of yourself to share with someone special.

To get your intimate life where you want it to be, it’s important to know what you want. Consider the following questions: What does romance mean to me? What does intimacy mean to me? Is it the same or different than romance? Do I want more romance in my life? Using your answers as a guide, commit to one thing you will do this week to keep your fires burning.

About the Author

Lisa Martin, PCC (Professional Certified Coach), is the author of Briefcase Moms: 10 Proven Practices to Balance Working Mothers’ Lives. She lives what she writes and talks about. A working mother with 20 years of corporate and entrepreneurial experience, she is the founder and president of Briefcase Moms, an international coaching and personal development company with a mission to “make it easier for working mothers to live balanced and successful lives.” She helps professionals, executives and entrepreneurs succeed in all areas of their lives- career, family and personal fulfillment. Subscribe to her free newsletter at: http://www.briefcasemoms.com

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