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Kathleen and Dan have been together for several years now. At first it was magic and Dan was so romantic and attentive. Now he is constantly criticizing her or even worse ignoring her completely. When he’s not out with his friends he lays around the house watching T.V. expecting her to wait on him. Just when she thinks that she can’t stand it any more, he becomes the old loving, romantic Dan once more; however, this never lasts longer than a few days and then he resumes his old behaviors. Kathleen knows that it’s time to for a life change but simply can not bring herself to take action.

1. What you see is what you get.

We see or perceive the world based on what we choose to pay attention to and how we choose to interpret it.

- If you see yourself trapped, then you are

- If you see yourself as a victim, then you are

You are responsible for what you are attracting into you life right now. Kathleen is attracting Dan’s abuse and neglect primarily because she doesn’t have the respect for herself to create any boundaries as to how she expects and deserves to be treated. She is choosing to see herself as a victim, trapped in this relationship. Kathleen sees Dan as the problem; if only he would change then her life would be better. His behavior is rendering her powerless in her eyes.

Choose what you are choosing to pay attention to and how you choose to interpret it. Choose carefully what you want to see.

2. We always have choices and the one with the most choices wins!

Kathleen is choosing to accept Dan’s behavior and she really thinks that she has very little choice in the matter. Dan sees that he has an infinite number of choices at the moment and this has given him an enormous amount of power. He is very much like the puppet master pulling the strings.
Choose to change your behavior by identifying more and better choices.

3. We have a good excuse for everything that we do.

Every behavior is useful or valuable to us in some way. Kathleen’s submissive behavior is useful to her in that it reinforces her view of herself as a victim with no choices. Dan’s behavior is valuable to him as it reinforces his belief that he is master of his domain.
Choose now to determine what is valuable for you in a situation.

4. We do what works for us.

Everything that we think, feel and do works to produce the results in life that we are getting. Kathleen’s relationship with Dan is on some unconscious level helping her achieve exactly the results that she wants.
Don’t like what you’ve got, choose now to change what your doing.

5. You can literally do anything if you believe that you can.

What does Kathleen believe about herself that requires her staying in an unhealthy relationship? What ever she believes she will always find lots of evidence in the world to support it. If she listened to her ’self talk’ every time she thinks about leaving Dan, she would soon find out what she believes.

- I’ll never get someone new. It’s better to put up with what I’ve got

- Anything is better than being alone

- He is exactly what I deserve

- He’ll change if I’m patient, he’s a good person underneath

- He really needs me, he just doesn’t realize it

- I need him, without him, I’m nothing

Choose to examine your beliefs and change them. You created them; you can change them. Look for evidence in the world to support the new belief.

6. Act as if you already have what you want.

If you really want to be loved then be loving, not only to others but also to yourself. If you want respect then be respectful, not only to others but also to yourself. Determine what it is that you really want to achieve then behave as if you already have it. If Kathleen wants a loving relationship based on mutual respect then she needs to model those essential qualities not only by how she treats others, including Dan, but also by how she treats herself. In Kathleen’s case if she was more loving and respectful of herself she would draw some definite boundaries as to how she expects to be treated. If she really loved and respected Dan then she would expect more from him as well.

Lesley Cordero is the President of Cordero Consulting offering personal growth solutions in the form of workshops, keynote presentations, and Internet information resources.

Subscribe to her free bi-weekily ezine “Deep Linking” at http://www.LesleyCordero.com and begin to connect with what is really important in your life.

Are you ready to ’see things differently?’

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When asked why their marriage is on the rocks, many couples often state that they have just grown apart. The reality of that statement just means the individuals no longer relate to or appreciate each other as they once did. This damage often occurs over a period of months or years and it is not even realized until it becomes a serious issue, which often escalates the marital problems even further.

It is the purpose of this article to expose some of the underlying reasons for “growing apart” with hopes that this knowledge can prevent the situations from happening.

1. Lack of communication. Every day life is moving at such a fast pace these days that it seems people are forgetting to “stop and smell the coffee” or rather stop and tell their spouse that they love them and appreciate them. Or even simpler than that, they forget to mention that they are cooking dinner on a certain night or are planning to mow the yard later. Saying those few words can lessen the stress of every day responsibilities and create a happier home and relationship.

2. Too much talking and not enough listening. Okay, so maybe people do say some of the little things above but your partner may be too busy to remember. This is why listening often plays a more important role than talking. I mean, what’s the point of talking if no one is listening? The next time you and your spouse are talking, listen to what he or she is saying. If it happens to be, “Hey, I’m cooking dinner Thursday night,” you can say something back like, “Great! What are we having?” The next most important step is remembering your plans! If your memory tends to fail you, write it down. A Post-It on your work surface or a note in you day planner will work fine; just as long as you see it daily so when Thursday afternoon comes, you’ll know where you’ll need to be in a few hours.

3. Lack of attention. This ties in with listening to your spouse. Sometimes people hear things and it “goes in one ear and out the other.” But try this… if your spouse is telling you about a project either work related or something he or she is taking on personally, ask him or her about the progress a few days after hearing the news. Once the subject comes up enough, your spouse will want to tell you something new that they learned. Even if you have no interest or just no clue about the matter, you can still give him or her the attention they deserve. If you don’t know what to say, a simple, “Wow; you learn something new everyday,” or “I’m proud of you,” will be sufficient. I’m sure a positive response is all the other person is looking for, especially if they know that you’re not familiar with the topic.

4. Lack of affection. The type of affection mentioned here isn’t necessarily pertaining to physical affection. If you’re not really the “touchy-feely” type, compliments work just as well! If you haven’t given one in a while, now is a great time to start. Take notice of a physical feature your spouse really likes about him or her self. Tell him or her how something they wear or a certain color really accentuates that feature. I’m sure he or she will be so happy you noticed that you’ll at least get a hug or a smile out of the deal. I wouldn’t advise complimenting on a feature that your spouse is self-conscious of because chances are, he or she will think you’re just saying it to say it and that you really don’t mean it. You can also compliment your loved one on how smart he or she is. This will be especially easy if they’re knowledgeable in a certain area. Obviously they like that topic or they wouldn’t study it so much. Tell him or her that you’re impressed or amazed by the amount of information they know. It will not only boost the confidence of your spouse, but yourself and your marriage!

5. Lack of connection. Lately, with all the stress on individuality around us, we don’t take the time to bond with our peers. This is especially true for a career oriented married couple. Both husband and wife work separately all day and when they come home, they’re still in that individual mind-set. Your spouse is there to comfort and support you so depend on him or her a little. It will show that you’re capable of taking care of yourself all day but still like his or her company to rely on after a rough day alone. Help each other out by sharing duties or trading duties that night. Yes, everyone gets tired but if you notice you have a little bit more energy than your spouse, pick up the slack for him or her that night. They will appreciate the deed and will or should return it another night when you are not feeling up to your end of the chores. Remember marriage is about two people joining lives. You may be separated all day but when you’re together, you represent a two-person union that depends on itself to run smoothly.

It is the belief of this author that applying these suggestions on a daily basis will indeed help a troubled couple regain the closeness and magic their relationship once had. The results won’t happen overnight but neither did the problems. Patience and understanding are key factors here but the benefits will far exceed the effort.

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Kristin Craft is the owner and webmaster of marriage-success.com Marriage Tips which provides helpful tips and resources for married couples and those considering marriage. Couples that are experiencing difficulties in the marriage can especially benefit by visiting Save My Marriage.
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One of the oldest character flaws in humans is their ability
to manipulate each other. Its insidious nature tilts our
everyday playing field toward the manipulator. The
manipulating person has a basic personality flaw that has a
direct link to control, but primarily the ever-abundant
insecurity issue.

So, how is it that we deal with these types of people to
level the perverbial playing field?

Well, for a moment, lets just consider the problematic
issues that these types of people have so as to better
understand what approach to take.

In being manipulative, one would only need to look at the
why and what, not the how, because the how is obvious.
How do they do it? They use words as their arsenal for
control.

One should understand that manipulative people are
generally control freaks who need to have the people they
attempt to control conform to their ideology. By
leveraging control over a particular situation, they satisfy
the craving to fill that void of not having personal control,
therefore obtaining it from another person.

It is quite obvious that always trying to tilt the scales for
yourself by being manipulative reflects a security problem in
yourself. It’s simple! If you do not feel secure with
yourself, than you are insecure. Ah…but to what degree
you may ask, do you have to be so insecure that you always
attempt to obtain control and security elsewhere?

Insecurities are in us all. We all feel vulnerable at times in
any given situation, but what would propel us to be so
insecure that we need to control others in our environment?

This question could be answered differently for almost
every manipulative person because what drives us to
manipulate might be extremely deep-seated in one, where in
another it is seated quite shallow.

Most people have heard in one place or another; you can
only control certain things in life, and much of the other
stuff you need to just let the chips fall where they may.

This is very true. Let’s just look at one simple example to
conceptualize. You have five one hundred dollar bills you
have alloted yourself to use in attempts to make more
money, so you head for the closest casino.

Now, blackjack is your game of choice, so let me illustrate
your possible control. You could, when the dealer asks you
to cut the cards, place the divider at the very end, thinking
this will stack the hands in your favor. You could change
tables because one dealer is what you would call bad luck.
The fact is that once you put your money down, you lose
control of the situation.

The dealer will deal you a winning or losing hand and you
simply have no control over the situation, yet you might try
to seize control by many illogical means in attempts to win.

By not attempting to control everyone else, you come to an
understanding that letting people live their lives in peace
without your controlling ways, is the healthiest way in
going about your relationships.

Others will detect a distinct difference in your personality
and certainly appreciate you, rather than resent your ill will.
This is, again, a change in approach and attitude towards
others that will need to be worked on everyday. In addition,
one should want and need to see progression everyday to
confirm the diminishing of this toxic characteristic.

Let go of your need to always control and manipulate, it
will definitely become a more harmonious existence, not
only for others, but for yourself.

by Brian Maloney-ValuePrep.com

Want to improve your personal values? Get high-quality relationship advice for guys and women from a ‘Logical’ standpoint.

Visit ValuePrep - Relationship Advice.

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I cannot tell you how many times I have heard couples express the fact that they felt their partner should be able to read their mind. Have you ever felt this way? Such thinking can lead to disappointment, sadness, and yes, at times, even anger.

In order to overcome this, we must be much more specific about what our desires and needs are. Part of the problem, I believe, is that we are often afraid that if we really ask for what we desire, we will be rejected. Therefore, it is easier not to ask in the first place and to assume the partner is a “jerk” for not knowing and meeting our needs.

Please talk to one another. Risk saying what you feel and need. Dare to be specific. A case in point. One woman decided to ask her husband for a romantic evening. This was risky for her. What did she get? A box of chocolates and some flowers. What she really wanted was a romantic evening at dinner and then a romantic interlude in the bedroom. Did she tell her partner this? No, she sulked and he was quite confused.

Sometimes we discuss the “rules” but then we change them and forget to tell our partner. We set them up to fail. They can never win.

Is this is happening in your relationship? You can stop it now. Talk to one another. Dare to be specific. Agree to listen and agree to ask for more information if you are not sure of what your partner means. Just as the word romantic has several different connotations, so it is with other words. Please help each other out, and in so doing, you help your relationship to flourish.

Karlynn lives in Tucson, Arizona and owns her own Employee Assistance Program. Originally from California, Karlynn moved to Tucson to pursue a Masters Degree in Rehabilitation Counseling. She is also specialized in addictions. She believes he helping people to help themselves. She enjoys her life with her husband, David, her three daughters, and two adorable grandsons.

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When starting a new relationship, we usually adopt a
subconscious idea as to how much maintenance this
connection will need. Usually, if given some thought, we
can throw a microscope over this concept while it is in its
fledgling state.

However, time, no matter how you cut it, is a commodity
and is as precious as a trillion dollars in your hot little
hands. We attempt to save it, cut it, splice it among several
tasks, take it for granted, and waste it. Although, most of
us never consciously connect relationship maintenance with
time.

In going back to a new relationship, it cannot be denied that
in this most tender state, both parties look to each other for
needs to be fulfilled. If enough maintenance is not given by
one, the other will eventually pull back, unless an
understanding is clearly stated from the outset.

For example, at this point in my life, with a young daughter,
my time is squarely directed towards my family. This is
especially true, considering I spend my mornings with her,
and see her every night. In order for me to be able to give
any other relationship the consideration it needs, I would
have to scale back my time with my family, and at this point
I am not willing to do this.

Being spread as thin as hot butter is a concept we can all
relate to.

This is just my viewpoint on maintaining the integrity of my
family relations. Moreover, it is not a reality for myself to
hook up with my friends at the drop of a hat anymore, at
least at this point in my life.

So how do we make this determination as to how much
time we should designate to prospective relationships?

Well, it merely comes down to how solid a foundation you
wish them to be on. For me personally, I want my family
relationships to be on a rock-solid foundation. Sacrificing
the maintenance of other relationships is how your value
system should be designed.

Secondly, examining your friendships and their cost benefit
ratio, not only for you, but for the friend, should definitely
be indicated.

Are you going to be the type when life deals a bad hand to
your friend, you abandon that particular person just because
some gears inevitably switched for them? If you are that
non-understanding of a person, you are not a true friend.
Then comes in the question of loyalty to that friend, if you
struggle with spending less time with him/her due to their
newfound change. Having a heart to heart discussion with
that person to obtain his/her mindset and system of values,
would always be the best route to take.

Respect!

From your viewpoint, do to your friend’s life changes, you
inevitably feel snubbed and hurt. It is hard for you to
respect his/her wish to spend more time with a new friend,
for example. This is true, even though you know that life
keeps moving forward no matter what, change is always a
huge part of life.

It is not about you all the time.

A more selfless mindset would guide you and you would be
happier for your friend’s newly found joy. Understanding
that scaling back as life’s changes come calling, gives you
the expectation that this indeed will be an integral part of
your relationship, rather than backing out completely.

An understanding among friends.

If you are an understanding friend, or wish your friends
were more understanding, then laying this foundation down
sooner than later in the relationship is best. When one
party feels betrayed, this gives not only this relationship the
respect it needs, but when your life change occurs, they
won’t feel slapped in the face.

If your friends won’t be your friends because they don’t
have limitless access to you anymore, then you don’t have
to invest too much time into maintaining that relationship.
This means they cannot appreciate your higher and lower
values.

Invest into your family your time and love, and then have
an understanding with your friends that being flexible rather
than rigid, will strengthen your relationship with them.
Remember, a relationship is a two-way street that needs
maintenance and time, so giving too much to a friendship
will inevitably take away from your family.

Making this proper assessment is logical and practical and
results as a template to follow from which you can issue
time to your perspective relations.

–by Brian Maloney-ValuePrep.com

Want to improve your personal values?

Get high-quality-relationship advice for guys and women from a ‘Logical’ standpoint. Visit ValuePrep - Relationship Advice for Guys and Women.

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Each relationship combines two individual stories to coauthor a new relationship story. The implicit contracts authored by each party in a relationship become unspoken assumptions that can facilitate or derail the relationship.

A crucial part of communication in a relationship is to make explicit the hidden assumptions and implicit expectations. To see the point of view of the other and to communicate that understanding, each must respect the other’s point of view. Understanding and respect are not synonymous with agreement.

The ultimate freedom is not to rely on someone else’s response to determine how you feel about yourself.

Ineffectiveness of communication, simply feeling that what you said was not heard or registered by the other, may result in irritation or anger. So often the content of the discussion is focused on with greater intensity, rather than the process initiating the derailment of feeling ineffective in not being heard.

14 Relationship Principles

1. Each person has a point of view. Communication is the establishment of a common ground to understand different points of view to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan.

2. Developing empathy with another is predicated on doing it with yourself first. Empathy is a way of listening to yourself as well as to another person with resonance of an entire experience of feeling, thinking, perceiving, and behaving.

3. Rapport is from the French word rapporter which means to be in touch or contact with a person, including yourself.

4. With emotionally charged subjects, reflect back to someone what you hear them saying before saying what you will say. This reflection assures the other’s sense of effectiveness in knowing that you register what was said, and better positions him or her to hear your point of view.

5. What someone believes is more important than what they know.

6. Requiring that others respond to you in a particular way renders inauthentic the person and their response.

7. We are always communicating; there are many languages, and some even use words. “Do not the most moving movements of our lives find us all without words?” (Marcel Marceau)

8. What you don’t do is as important as what you do.

9. Strike while the iron is cold. Known when to be reflective and invoke principles. When a child is drowning is no time to teach rules of swimming.

10. There are few true emergencies in life. “I’d like to think about that and get back to you” is a response.

11. Everyone fails empathically with another at times. Most important in a relationship is how the empathic ruptures are learned from to then come together with greater understanding. At times the most important thing may not be what you have done, but what you do after what you have done.

12. To forgive someone is to free yourself.

13. You cannot change yourself by first trying to change someone else. To have someone live an unexpressed part of yourself can be both unsatisfying and addictive.

14. The only person you can change is you. Attempting to change someone else’s mode of processing or personality style won’t work, and will create derailments. Quicken software will not change to WordPerfect.

Relationship Principles Applied to Marriage

1. Marriage is the most difficult and complex contract someone can enter into that they will ever know. Communication is vital as an ongoing effort. Remember to reflect back what you hear the other saying first, in order to maintain effectiveness in communication.

2. Discuss how to facilitate meeting needs, as well as needs of love and connection in the relationship.

3. Be present to yourself and to your partner.

4. Limit spending the currencies of worry, regret, remorse and suffering.

5. Distinguish self issues from relationship issues and commit to work on both.

6. Collaborate on how to maintain romance, sensual pleasure and the “in love” feeling; when these experiences evolve over time, it does not have to mean a diminution of love, romance or excitement.

7. Recognize gender-specific and unique individual characteristics. For example, creating pleasure for a woman may include the romantic experience of candles, music, and a special dinner. The same pleasure for a man may include a certain dress, lingerie, and a graphic sexual encounter.

RELATIONSHIP EXERCISE

These reflections are designed to clarify and facilitate the developing a more satisfying relationship.

1. How did we do in our last conversation? How do I feel about that?

2. What patterns in our relationship and conversations do I want to expand? To change? To not create?
3. How do I feel around him/her?

4. Am I being all of myself in the relationship?

5. What judgements do I make of myself around this person? What
judgments do I make of him/her?

6. What judgments or criticism do I assume and expect?

7. What do we each want from the other?

8. What do we each need from the other?

9. Am I relying on this person to provide some need or want that I could provide for myself?

10. How could I better support my partner?

11. What could I communicate to him/her know more about what I want and need?

12. What do we do for fun? How can we expand what we do for fun while taking into account our individual interests and definition of fun?

David Krueger, M.D. is an Executive Strategist/ Professional Coach who mentors executives, entrepreneurs, and authors.

He is author of 14 books on success, money, work, and self-development. This article is excerpted from Dr. Krueger’s 15th book, soon to be published, LIVE A NEW LIFE STORY: The User’s Guide

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I will in this article cover some of my own experiences living with a person with a dysfunctional personal disorder of type borderline. I call these person BP (BorderlinePersonality) to make things easier.

Why is it so hard to live with these people? What are the warning signals? What is there to do?

At first this persons are very charming so it’s very hard to detect these disturbances. I also want to state that each and every one of us has some kind of borderline in our selves. Most of us don’t have it to such a degree though that it could be classified as an illness.

Everything worked out fine for the first of couple of months and then suddenly BANG.

The first emotional outbreak appears and you don’t even know what hit you.

I lived with a person like this for six years until I finally decided that enough is enough. We have two adorable children together that we both love more than anything on the world. The children have of course also suffered but I know that there are people out there in much worse situation others then mine.

As a relative in a family with persons like this it can be hard and also embarrassing to take this up with somebody else since you have the feeling that no one really understands you. The last couple of years I was so deep in it that I truly believed that everything was my fault.

Now, you know the saying “it takes two to tango” so I of course contributed to the situations and to the relationship. It did heart a lot finding out that I couldn’t see this coming. So I had a big part of it naturally.

One of the things these persons are an expert in doing is getting the partner to feel guilty about things even though this is not the case. Many relatives complain about the emotional and physical fights that they keep getting into with almost no way to protect them selves from it.

Even though they know it’s pointless to go into a fight like this it happens anyway.

The most known sign of a borderline personality is their emotional emptiness. To be a relative is like filling up Grand Canyon with a water gun. The only difference is that Grand Canyon actually has an end.

One other thing is “whatever you do is wrong”. Do you recognize this? For a BP everything is either black or white there is no in-between.
“You are either with me or against me” is also one of these statements you can hear.

Ending a relationship with a borderline personality is hard it’s like having a delicious pizza slice in front of you with lots of mozzarella cheese on it. No matter how far you try to take the slice from your mouth, the cheese “string” only gets longer and longer without braking. For you as a relative there is only one advice use knife and fork.

As a relative be consequent at all times (this is very hard but it works).

We all have a choice, mine was to simply get out of the relationship and move on. There are still moments of fights every now and then but I think since the relationship ended both of us and our children has gained a lot more than if we would have stayed together.

There was of course times that where good in our relationship. Never knowing when the next outbreak would come took unfortunately away those moments.

The first step for me to come out of this was actually to read and learn about BP.

Maybe this article has the same impact on you, I sincerely hope so.

I wish you all the best!

Rate this article

Oliver Troll

The Croftbiz Team Croftbiz

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One of the most underrated concepts that most people
overlook is approaching life from an empathetic standpoint.

Despite our best intentions, it is not always that we live by
this ethical code that is deeply embedded in all of us.

Much of my writings are geared to logical approaches to a
an overwhelming world and this is definitely no exception.
I don’t want to underestimate the importance of this
concept because I feel it is so extremely powerful.

It is quite intriguing to me that this world is made up of so
many beautiful, yet so many diluted and unscrupulous,
minds. Obviously, people are not born with certain
personality deficiencies, as much of it is learned behaviors.

To intimately understand and comprehend another’s
feelings, thoughts, and motives is much of what empathy
resonates.

However, this is easier said than done. An awesome way to
truly understand your own set of values, is to genuinely
approach life indiscrimanently with this viewpoint.

So how can empathy really help design a system of higher
and lower values so easily?

It is just like the Golden Rule says, treat everyone like you
would want to be treated.

Would you want to be belittled constantly? No. Would
you want to be disregarded by others? No. Does being
disrespected hurt? Yes.

Temporarily plant your mind into another’s and attempt to
understand their plights.

Although you may say, Brian, why should I always respect
people when most of them have no respect for others
anyway?

If our entire world treated each other in this manner, most
everyone would have contempt for everyone else.

By taking a stroll in someone else’s shoes when dealing
with all people; you automatically detach from the very
learned narcissism we all are accustomed to and approach
your relationships more positively and kinder.

In my humble opinion, it is by far the most selfless way to
approach ones life, so to deny its significance would
definitely be wrong!

By understanding how you would like to be treated and
convert this mindset over to how others should be treated,
then a solid foundation for how your own values can be
built upon.

This, in turn, assists in shaping what is truly important to
what is merely nonsensical. Having an empathetic mindset
adds clarity and purity as opposed to being caught up in a
selfish tunnel of me and more me.

Certainly, we are all going to have our transgressions, but
this approach will limit them and yield more piece of mind,
that your intentions towards others are not to be harmful,
but harmless.

Without a doubt, you will always encounter people who
simply do not care about your feelings, only their own.
Don’t let these people derail your good intentions.

Try to always stay in this mindset. It will surely be critical
to your mental health. I know this may sound like some
sermon, but think of the alternative mindset and the
negativity attached to it.

Of course it’s difficult to respect anyone who blatantly
disrespects you, but this doesn’t mean you should approach
life so negatively.

By sending a message to others that you respect them as a
human being and not some tangible object standing before
them, you naturally disarm their defenses, and begin
speaking to the most real part of them.

Wanting to have a good heart and treating people with
dignity is something we should all strive for on a consistent
basis.

If this uptempo world is to progress, we all need to do our
part by approaching it empathetically and continue to form
our values in accordance to this mindset.

–by Brian Maloney-ValuePrep.com

Want to improve your personal values?

Get high-quality-relationship advice for guys and gals from a ‘Logical’ standpoint. Visit ValuePrep - Relationship Advice.

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This is a continuation of part one of this article which covered aspects such as communication, paying attention, affection and staying connected. We will continue to explore some of the underlying reasons why many married couples seem to be drifting apart and offer suggestions how to prevent or minimize these pitfalls. Being aware of the marital problems and actively working to avoid them can help restore or saved a marriage in trouble.

6. Lack of understanding. A lot of the frustration between married couples arises because one partner feels the other just doesn’t understand them. But maybe they would understand if the situation was communicated to them better. It may be clear to you but it really needs to be clear to them. Explain the problem in a different way and give them a chance. Don’t be vague and if you have to, break it down in smaller components. BE PATIENT! It may take longer for them to understand. Have them repeat the scenario in their own words so that they can translate it into something they can understand. If they want to work the problem out with you, then a solution will be found and met.

7. No teamwork. A marriage is the union of two people working together towards one main goal- to be happy with each other. There are plenty of times when you two are not physically together but there still needs to be a mutual connection so your marriage can run smoothly. Teamwork depends on communication; letting the other person know what you’re doing to keep up your end of the deal. A simple message telling the other person that you took care of the bills this month or went grocery shopping let’s them know that they don’t need to worry about those issues. In this two-person team, each individual has their own responsibilities to tend to. If each side pulls through, the stress levels will not be so high and you can move on to the next matter. It’s like rowing; if only one side of the boat is paddling, you’ll continue to go in circles and you’ll never reach your destination.

8. Little compromise. When you’re single in this world, it’s every man for him self. But in a marriage, it’s crucial to have some “give and take.” Somebody has to cook or clean or pick up the kids, that’s a given. But if time, effort, and energy allows for it, go the extra mile and offer to do or help with one of your spouse’s duties, especially if you can tell their energy level is low. You may end up putting a great deal of effort into the task but the outcome will exceed the energy exerted. Your spouse will see and appreciate your deed and will want to repay you when your energy level is low. As far as arguing goes, pick your battles. If you can tell your partner feels strongly about a certain issue, a suggestion would be to back down. However, if you feel strongly on the opposing subject, try negotiating a deal out where both of you are happy. If you give a little, an understanding partner will give as much as you. Once you inch closer and closer to each other, a happy medium will be met.

9. A need for organization. Many people feel their lives are chaotic when their home is a mess. The positive energy that comes from an organized home can spread through out many areas in your life, which is why it’s so important to create a system that sorts out your domestic matters. A few suggestions may be to designate a specific place to put your incoming and outgoing mail. If you feel it necessary, make an official “Inbox” and “Outbox” so there is no confusion as to what bills or letters need to be mailed and which ones need to be read. Another idea is to use a bulletin board or dry erase board. This is a place to leave “I’ll be back soon” notes or grocery lists or “Things To Do” lists. As the chores are completed, for example, they can be crossed off the list that is out in the open so everyone can see. This may sound a bit clerical but running a home is very similar to running an office and in order to have an efficient workplace, all involved parties need to be informed; just like at home.

10. Lack of knowledge. Love is a very important factor in a marriage but think about this… say you’re offered a promotion in a field you’re not too familiar with but always wanted to learn more about. You may really love the idea of a better job or career change and will love the pay even more but you should ask yourself if you’re really that prepared to take on all the challenges and responsibilities that come with that promotion. Maybe before taking the job, you’ll need training and more knowledge to build confidence and skill in that field. The same principles can be applied to marriage. If you’re not ready to deal with the challenges and difficulties of marriage, maybe you should educate yourself more so you do feel comfortable. Even if you do feel you’re ready, read up on marriage matters and watch other married couples to gather book and real life tips and guide lines. The more you know ahead of time, the less unfortunate surprises you’ll have and the more you’ll be able to advance past the little obstacles that others can get hung up on. This will decrease the stress levels in your marriage and free up time so you can focus on more important concerns such as bonding with your spouse.

This list is not entirely comprehensive as there are many other factors that can occur. However, these ten points seem to address the most issues that are plaguing today’s couples, many of which may not seem so obvious. I feel that your marriage can definitely improve even if you only practice a few of these points. The key word however is practice. Good Luck.

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Kristin Craft is the owner and webmaster of marriage-success.com Marriage Help which provides helpful tips and resources for married couples and those considering marriage. Couples that are experiencing difficulties in the marriage can especially benefit by visiting Save My Marriage.
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oke from a Woman to another Woman; “Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke!”

Joke from a Man to another Man; “Men are Vain, They will check themselves out in the mirror. However women are ridiculous; they will check their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, shop windows.”

Then why do YOU think women misunderstand men and vice-versa? One basic fact of life. Women and men are different. I am not talking about their physical attributes, but in their attitudes to relationships.

I am a man, writing this article. I have tried to be fair, but can I tell you ladies, I just can’t understand you most of the time. But I am sure that most of you would answer, that you can’t understand us men.

I have been guilty of most of the attitudes listed, especially the shopping which I hate. Therefore to go a little way in imparting some understanding, here are 10 situations where the thinking of men and women go in opposite directions;

1) ANGER: When Anger or another problem enters a relationship A woman will want to repair the situation or problem before any sex. A man will think that making love will make it all right again.

2) TOUCHING: For women touching without sex is comforting and very soothing. They find that the touching gives a warm feeling of security. However for men touching without sex can easily be misunderstood and he can even feel threatened.

Please understand that when men touch each other, it is in a rough manner. They slap or punch each other on the back. Tender touching makes many men feel vulnerable and dependent. These have been seen by men to be un-masculine. Men find it uncomfortable with so much closeness. It makes them feel vulnerable.

However women are not comfortable without this type of intimacy.

3) TELEPHONE: Men use the telephone or mobile phone as a communication device. It is to send short messages to each other.

However women see the telephone differently. They use it to keep in touch with their friends supporting, helping and growing relationships. They are more interested in people and feelings than objects such as telephones and the latest video games.

4) SEX: When it comes to foreplay, women prefer 40-45 minutes of foreplay. However men on the other hand prefer 40-45 seconds of foreplay before sex

5) GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. However when a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she is ready, as soon as she finds her other piece of jewellery and makes just one more phone call.

6) SHOPPING: Women can shop all day and enjoy the whole experience. Its a chance to talk. They use talk to build and sustain connections with others. However men just want finish and close the situation. Its their nature. One can view this difference anytime with couples in shopping malls.

7) BATHROOMS: A man has on average around 5-6 items in his bathroom. A woman on the other hand has over 200 items in her bathroom. Make no attempt to ask a man to identify all these items.

8) DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, gardening, answer the phone, or get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

9) CHILDREN: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about doctors and dentists appointments. All their friends, their favorite and not so favorite foods, plus their secret fears and their hopes and dreams. Most men, though not as many as years ago, are aware of some short people sharing the home.

10) TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of approximately 12, they seem to lose the interest. However, men NEVER grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, the toys simply get more expensive. One shopping channel has a section called “Big Boys Toys.”

In ending this article I would like to stress the points Not all women are alike - Not all men are alike.

There have been great men and great women who have made this world such a better place. No matter what sex you are I leave you with this quote that applies to all of us. Be kind. Remember, everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. –Thompson

I wish you perfect health and piece of mind in all that you do.

John Ward
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