Sometimes lovers and husbands are a mystery. One moment, they can be the sweetest, most loving, individuals on the planet; happily laughing away at some silly thing on TV, and the next they’re in a dark and gloomy mode; brooding and sullen; or even hurtling insults and accusations. Of course you didn’t do anything to start it…that rarely matters.
Figuring out why guys snap into these moods can be like trying to do caluculus in your head….close to impossible, and ultimately a waste of time. Because before you know it, he’s renting a DVD, popping your favorite buttered snack, and offering to massage your feet while to two of you snuggle on the couch for the evening in front of a romantic comedy!
The real trick is getting from here to there, from ugliness to sheer bliss without being drawn into an all out war of the words!
You can do this by keeping in mind that he is only human and most likely dealing with some internal struggle that has nothing at all to do with you (regardless of what he says).
You can also try reframing his unexpected and often unpredictable behavior in a new and comical light…it’ll help you to stay above the fray just long enough to let him realize what a dufus he is being!
Later he’ll appreciate your cool facade and aplomb as he clumsily confesses the truth behind his strange behavior and pitifully begs for your forgiveness.
Here are a few new ways to explain your lover’s testy; unruly; stubborn or hard headed; cranky or otherwise childish behavior.
They’ll help you weather unexpected mood swings and unfair outbursts, so that you don’t get roped into yet one more non-sense argument or discussion.
1:) He has recently seen a “Shrek” marathon, and is just doing his best ogre impersonation for your benefit. I know that you’ll be tempted, but try not to giggle as you imagine him turning a lovely shade of green.
2:) Personality stealing aliens have secretly switched your regularly sweet and sensitve man, with an insensitive oaf, and are merely conducting an experiement to see if you notice the difference.
3:) Call the Inquirer! Your man is officially the first guy to truly experience PMS first hand, complete with splitting migraines, cramps, bloating and oh yes, the dreaded hormones. Pull out the hot water bottle, some advil and a sad tear jerker movie. It’s going to be a long week of bonding.
4:) He has temporarily swapped brains with an insensitive time traveling cave man from prehistoric times. Your sweetie can’t help it. Men of yester year, weren’t always held to the same modern day behavior standards. Most times it was considered just good enough to survive. How can he be expected to act like a gentleman, when he’d rather be out swinging a club and chasing down an antelope on foot! In his mind, he is acting in a perfectly acceptable manner. Refuse to get drawn into his cave man drama. Go for a run instead.
5:) He’s practicing for the role of the boogey man in a remake of Rosemary’s baby. This one might turn out as hideously for you as it did for the last Rosemary. Put some distance in between you and devil man, before permanant damage occurs. Later he’ll grovel and crawl back…claiming not to remember the horrible things he said. Possessed people rarely do!
6:) You show up at the breakfast table dressed in a ratty old nightie and he eyes you like you’re the last pork chop on the buffet table, and he’s the starving man, who hasn’t had a meal in weeks.
His odd mood manifests itself as a desire to make love more often. If you’re in the mood, why not indulge yourself. Maybe he is just seeing you in a special new light…it might not be so bad…then again, it may be just his way of dealing with some unspoken stress.
Sometimes it helps to interject a little humor into tense situations. Although, I doubt that he will appreciate any “jokey” jabs you make at his expense; it’s not a bad idea, to play the good guy in this situation and try to coax him out of the bad mood with a bit of levity. Just remember to keep your objectivity if you decide to stick around to ride it out (your choice, you know him better than anyone); don’t get roped into name calling; the blame game; the crying game, or playing the victom or martyr.
Doing so will only land you dead center ring face to face with an angry sumo like opponet who doesn’t mind taking the gloves off for a little dirty fighting.
Keep your cool…leave the room…leave the house….start dinner….turn on some soothing jazz (music truly does soothe the savage beast…let it work it’s healing powers on your man); do whatever it takes to stay emotionally seperated from the situation.
Distract him…pop in a video, turn on the TV; put on a bikini…do what you have to do to snap him out of it.
For more quick ideas on how you can instantly defuse a sticky situation; calm a lover and stop an argument dead in it’s tracks, go to:
http://www.welcome.to/blissful-relationships 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships!
Avoid confronting him verbally…since you won’t actually be dealing with him, but the problem and situation that he is secretly facing inside his own brain.
Most guys face their problems alone; internalizing on-the-job harrassment or other work related problems; traffic irritations; in-law woes, etc., until these events bubble over into their relationships.
Keep in mind, that an outside influence, i.e. one of your ex-boyfriends, one of his ex-girlfriends, your mom or dad, or other person who is skilled at pushing his buttons, may be behind his recent change in behavior.
Sometimes well meaning parents and “best friends” can do severe injustice to your happy home by working against your best interest behind your back.
Try to root out the cause or culprit, if possible, (after his sour mood has lifted) so that it doesn’t damage your relationship. If another person is at the root of his newfound problems, he will more than likely hand them over to you on a silver platter.
Whatever the cause, he should snap out of it by himself within just a little bit…guy moods don’t last forever…
When he does, he will want to talk about it…apologize; cry; grovel…
Try to be the bigger person; try to forgive, or at least confess that you’ve had a few bad days too.
Chances are, there is a logical explanation as to why he has been acting so weird.
Be there. Listen. Offer support and hugs.
If he apologizes; if he accepts the blame, or at least pinpoints the culprit and promises to reform, try to move on…there’s no sense in dragging him through the mud for having a bad day.
If he’s a jerk, you probably wouldn’t have stayed with him this long….chances are, it’s a one time thing that he regretted saying the moment it was out of his mouth…give him a redo…a second chance…if he deserves it…
Look, we all make mistakes…
A little generosity of spirit and sensitivity now, can work in your favor, the next time you find yourself in the middle of one of those horrid days that just won’t quit.
If you’re just plain tired of the arguments or even fear that you are too far down the road to make a difference in your relationship, take a look at this: It may not be too late! http://www.welcome.to/blissful-relationships 50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships!
A recent survey undertaken by PleasureMeNow.com sex toys reveals people’s favorite toys in the bedroom. The research also found many Valentines may receive a sex toy wrapped in red this Valentine’s Day.
The survey revealed 74% of both women and men would “love” to receive a sex toy as a gift. The other 26% thought it sounded fun, and no one in the survey found the idea objectionable.
The survey established that, of those participating in the survey, 24% already owned 1 or 2 toys, 56% owned 3-6, 11% owned “Gobs” of toys and 9% don’t currently own a sex toy.
Regarding the question “What is your favorite sex toy?” respondents had a fill-in-the-blank response, not a multiple-choice answer. They wrote in the following choices:
17% Rabbit Vibrator
11% Glass Dildo
10% Vibrator (Non-Specified Type)
8% Love all sex toys
7% Sex Swing
7% Strap On Dildo
6% Bullet Vibrator
5% Dildo
4% Cock Ring and Vibrating Cock Ring
4% Anal plug or bead
3% Cyberskin Sex Toy
20% other toys or none yet
“We were surprised by several of the results,” said Ron Jacks, partner at PleasureMeNow.com. “One result that amazed us, even though our survey was taken on our adult toy website, was that everyone found receiving a sex toy as an appealing gift. Another result that raised several eyebrows here was how many straight men indicated their favorite sex toy was not for use on themselves but rather for use on the women in their life. Of the total men surveyed, 16% indicated their favorite toy was using a vibrator on their significant other with another 7% suggesting a glass dildo.”
618 people participated in the survey. 10% of the women and 7% of men described themselves as bisexual, and 4% of people indicated they were gay.
For more information on this sexual survey, contact Lance Russell: lance@pleasuremenow.com; call 1-858-428-0306. PleasureMeNow.com is a top adult toy site offering the latest breakthroughs in pleasure technology.
Everyone knows that part of dating is romance, maybe I am easy to please, but I think have known some pretty romantic men in my hay day. I would love to hear about some of your most romantic experiences. Below, I have listed some of my most romantic experiences to help start things off. Please write to me at jp@international-internet-dating.com and tell me about your most romantic date.
I was once flown to Chicago for a first date that included dinner at the Chicago Chop House, and a trip to Navy Pier. I thought that was very romantic.
I was taken to New York for New Years Eve in Time Square. That trip included dinner at ‘Windows of the World’, which was, of course, before 911. That romantic date will be a special memory that I will always treasure.
I was flown, on a private plane, to Key West for Fantasy Fest. This trip included a stay at the Pier House Resort penthouse, which was incredibly fun, and romantic.
I was treated to a prime rib dinner for two at Bern’s Steak House in Tampa, Florida, which included a tour of the restaurant. The evening was topped off with a special bottle of wine and desert in their famed desert room.
There are more romantic memories, many more, but the memories have faded over time. There are some memories that will never fade; one in particular. I think that the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me was when a particular someone left a CD, that was special to both of us, with a single red rose on my doorstep. The doorbell rang and when I went to answer it I found my special presents laying there, my heart melted, and all the other romantic things that ever came before diminished in comparison.
The most romantic things to me are the little things, things that have a shared meaning, things that are intimate, and personal. Those are the memories that shine the brightest, and I will cherish them forever; maybe I am just easy to please, or just maybe I recognize what truly comes from the heart.
One of the best ways to create an erotic scene is with a little naughty talk into your partner or new partner’s ear. And as you know from getting ready to come this evening, presentation is everything.
Finding Your Sexy Voice
Everyone knows what a sexy voice is, but do you know how to find yours?
Talking deeply isn’t enough, nor do you need to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day either. This part is all about your attitude and your ability to relax in the moment.
Start with your breathing. Think about how you are breathing at the moment. Is it quick or is it slow? Your voice should move with this rhythm. With quick breaths, you want to break up your sentences, and with longer breaths, you can give more details.
Talk like you were trying to whisper, but ran out of breath. Your voice may drop a notch by doing this.
Or you can just relax and talk a little more quietly to get the same effect.
What Am I Going To Say?
If you’ve never talked dirty, then this is going to be an eye-opening experience. And you’re going to feel a bit strange at first, but that’s normal.
Think about the things that you love about the other person. Is it a particular body part? That’s great, you can use that.
You can start with something like, “I love your (whatever body part you choose)” at first. This gets you warmed up and everyone likes a compliment. This will also show the other person that you’re going to talk a bit.
You aren’t answering a question, so try no to use the word ‘because.’ You don’t have to give a reason, you just love something.
But you can say what that particular body part is doing to your body. Slow it down and lengthen the talk out. Start with “I love your (whatever body part).” Take a pause and then finish with, “It makes my (choose your favourite sexual organ) hot/wet/choose your reaction.”
Tell them how they make you feel in explicit detail and watch their reaction.
You’re well on your way to being a pro at dirty talk.
As a side note, some folks like to use words that may be derogatory, but I would make sure that the other person doesn’t mind before you try them.
Some will be very offended and that isn’t a good way to start a lovely evening.
Getting Comfortable
Why many people don’t use dirty talk is because they think they sound silly and that’s just not the case.
As with anything new, you just need to jump in and try it. Everyone has a first time for everything, and since you’re in a safe environment, no one is going to laugh at you.
Saying anything that is related to sex in the heat of an already arousing moment will sound magical. You just need to spit it out a few times to get comfortable with saying it.
After a while, dirty talk will come naturally and your partner of the moment will love it.
and#65279;You don’t need to depend on fate to bring “The One” to your doorstep. You might have to wait a very long time.
You don’t have to be the prettiest girl or the most handsome guy to be a successful dater. You don’t need a huge bank account. You don’t have to drive a new sports car, live in a large home, have the best sense of humor, or the most confidence. These things are all desirable; but chances are, they won’t keep the target of your affection around forever.
So what is it that you need to get and keep your love around? The answer is simple.
Power.
Many people looking for relationships are searching for someone to complete them, to fill in what is lacking in their own lives. A smart dater pays attention to detail, determines what it is that the other person is lacking, and ultimately provides it. A smart dater knows that when you are a source of something another person needs to be happy, you have power over them.
The first step to achieving power and becoming a smart dater is assessing the personality of the person you want to be with. You must zone in on the characteristic that defines the person most. Then, use your observations about their personality to determine what the person needs in his or her life to be happy. Finally, provide it.
Take, for example, the aggressive personality. If you’re in love with The Aggressor, you know that he or she isn’t a bit shy. The Aggressor knows what he or she is after, and thrives on the challenge of attaining it. Love with The Aggressor can be compared to a sport, and The Aggressor is looking to win. Like in any sport, an easy victory can be quite boring and quick. Your task is to give the Aggressor a challenge. Do not let your heart be an easy win. If you do, the Aggressor will simply move on to the next person. When the Aggressor leaves you a voice mail to call them back, forget to call. When the Aggressor asks you out for a date, once in a while tell them that you are too busy. Be moody, selfish, and difficult from time to time. Now, don’t be completely mean - remember, you must give kindness and affection to The Aggressor as much as you take it away. This will drive The Aggressor insane, and cause him or her to lose focus of the game. In no time, you’ll be holding the trophy.
Perhaps your love interest is not The Aggressor. Perhaps he or she is reserved and shy. This personality type tends to be innocent, and maybe lacking in solid relationship experience. You job, then, is to initiate The Quiet One into the realm of relationships and dating. Give The Quiet One something to get excited about. Shower The Quiet One with frivolous gifts and attention. Approach The Quiet One with zest, energy, and an ultra-positive attitude about life. Essentially, bring The Quiet One out of his or her shell, making them feel comfortable with you. In return, The Quiet One will become almost dependant on you for fun, activity, and love.
There are a myriad of personality types you will find out in the world. Another is The Snob. This person needs an average Joe or Jane to bring them down to earth. They won’t want to stoop to the level of giving you a second look - but be persistent. The Snob’s affection is earned. The more affection you give, the more flattered The Snob will become. This is because The Snob, by trait, likes to be given things. Instead of spoiling the Snob with things he or she already has, provide something unique. Cook The Snob romantic dinners at home, and skip the fancy restaurants. Pick the female Snob wildflowers instead of buying traditional roses. The Snob can then brag to other Snobs that he or she has someone “different” than everyone else. And as you know, Snobs always like to have what everyone else doesn’t.
There is also The Soap Opera Star. If you have the saintly qualities needed to love The Soap Opera Star, more power to you. This person eats, sleeps, and breathes drama. Take the normal ups and downs in life, and multiply them by 1000. Such is the life of The Soap Opera Star. The Soap Opera Star misplaces his golf club, and everything that happens from that point on in the day is absolutely ruined. Don’t be surprised if The Soap Opera Star takes his or her troubles out on you. If you desire to love this gem, patience, understanding (even if you must pretend) and the ability to console are qualities you have to put forth. The Soap Opera Star will end up completely in love with you. If you decide to leave The Soap Opera Star, he or she will stalk you.
Another popular personality is The Complainer. Everything annoys The Complainer. You can tell The Complainer that he or she looks nice today, and they will respond with a very serious, “Why do you have to lie to me? I gained 5 pounds in the last week, my pants look too short, and I’m having a bad hair day. I definitely know I can’t trust you to tell me the truth.” If you truly love The Complainer, you will never take their words to heart. You will also keep providing them with more topics to complain about, like a drug supply to an addict. Bring up topics that you know they love to moan about. They, in turn, will provide you with hours of one-on-one conversation. You’d better have a good ear to listen, and be able to support them in their outlandish claims. Don’t expect to do too much talking yourself. The Complainer will love you to death. Literally.
All in all, no matter what type of person you are trying to win over, you can do it with a little bit of common sense and consideration. Think your way through the situation. That’s all it takes. The power of love is in your hands.
Music is important in our life. The wedding music is an essential part for a successful wedding arrangement, both during the wedding ceremony and the wedding reception. Music is all about feelings and a wedding represents the greatest of all our feelings; love. The music you choose should therefore reflect this. Here are some tips you can use when you choose music for your wedding.
The arrival of the wedding guests
Live music or pipe in music should be played while guests arrive. The purpose is to relax the atmosphere and make it cosy for the guests. For this purpose slow, smooth instrumental music like cool smooth jazz can be selected. Once as the guests arrive, one or two solo’s should be performed. Songs like “I will always love you” and Baccarach songs like “The look of love” or “This Guy/Girl’s in love with You” might be a good choice.
The Wedding Ceremony
Trumpet sounding when bride is ready to enter. “Trumpet Voluntary” or “Trumpet Tune and Air” (Henry Purcell) would be great or even the traditional “Here comes the Bride” by Wagner. During ceremony, one wonderful song should be performed for example “You are my Everything”. Remember too much music could tire the guests, and make for a lengthy ceremony.
The Wedding Reception
At Reception, choose a great song to walk in on when announced to the guests. Married couple must choose their first dance song which can be slow and romantic or wild and crazy. This is their “special” song. Live DJ’d music is a plus especially if the DJ has good talking skills. This can keep the reception exciting and guests will have a great time, a time remembered for years to come. A nice touch is a song dedicated to the families of the Bride and Groom by the Bride and Groom.
The Wedding Wrap up
One last song just for the Bride and Groom before they leave and followed by at least 15 – 20 minutes of relaxing instrumental music for guests to settle down before they leave.
People with a great smile radiate a warmth that draws others to them instantly.
Several years ago I was in a San Diego restaurant with my mother. While I paid the check, we both noticed an elderly woman waiting to be seated. As we left the restaurant, Mom asked, “Did you notice that woman with the wonderful smile?” I most certainly did. Her smile lit up the room. It was a smile to die for; one that would certainly win instant friends. It was a smile that you don’t often see in a stranger. And maybe Mom and I smiled back, I don’t remember. Mom later commented, “I wish I’d told her what a terrific smile she had.” But neither of us had. We’d both received a gift without saying thank-you.
Later, on my long drive home, I stopped at a fast-food restaurant for a quick bite. A 70ish woman waited by the condiment bar while her husband ordered. She glanced my way and smiled brightly. It was one of those smiles that broadcast, “I love life!”
I wasn’t going to let THIS opportunity pass. I was going to say SOMETHING. As I approached this woman from 30 feet away, her smile melted into a rather startled look; as if asking, “Did I do something wrong?” I walked over to her and simply said, “You have a wonderful smile!” Wow, did her face light up! And she responded with an enthusiastic, “Thank You”. My comment probably made her day, but it also made MY day. We truly exchanged gifts that afternoon.
SMILES: INSTANT FACELIFTS
Life’s lessons have taught me this: a smile is the number one feature that makes people attractive. It’s a welcome mat. It’s what makes folks approachable. People with a great smiles radiate a warmth that draws others to them instantly.
Some people naturally have a great smile. Others, analytical types like me, must work at it. One way to tell if you’re in my category is to recall picking up your developed photos. As you flipped through the pictures, you didn’t like the way you looked in most of them. But then…you discovered that one great picture of yourself. In it, you look friendly, you’re smiling broadly and your eyes twinkle. Now THAT picture looks like you!
I hate to say it, but ALL the pictures look like you, even those you dislike. Unfortunately, those “bad” photos, where your face doesn’t look its best, portray how you often appear. In fact, you might normally look even worse, since you were TRYING to look good for the camera. Usually you’re not even making that effort, and may appear even less inviting than you do in “bad” photos. And if you’re like me, you assume you’re not particularly photogenic and that your smile needs work. When you’ve mastered your smile, you’ll consistently look better in photos. Most important, though, you’ll be more attractive and approachable every day.
When you’re having a good time, does your face show it? You might be surprised. Years ago I dropped into a comedy club in Montgomery, Alabama. I was sitting in the front row, where one is typically fair game to be picked on by the comedian. But being the non-expressive, serious Norwegian that I am, I wasn’t giving the comic the jovial feedback he needed. I was enjoying the show, but in a straight-faced manner. About halfway through the show, the comic interrupted his routine to ask me point-blank, “Are you having a good time?” I responded, “I’m having a great time.” His comeback: “Well then, tell your face!” I was enjoying the program, laughing inside, even studying the performer’s humor and technique. BUT…not giving him any outward indication.
In everyday life the same concept applies. You might be enjoying your job, but fail to show it. You may want to meet someone, yet not give them a single, friendly clue. You can even be IN LOVE with somebody, and totally hide it. Your face should express what you feel when you wish to connect with others.
SMILE AEROBICS FOR EMOTIONAL HEALTH
One way to become better at smiling is increasing your awareness. Take notice of those you find warm and inviting. Is it their smile? Make an effort to LOOK for great smiles. Notice the appeal of people who smile with their EYES, not just their mouth. The whole face gets involved. Consider these people your models. Study yourself in the mirror. How do you look in the rest room, when shopping, and while passing a reflective window? Do you look friendly? Approachable? Do you really LIKE the image you’re projecting?
In fact, a mirror is ideal for your smile workout. Practice various smiles toward capturing that perfect look for the camera. Work on expressing your smile with your eyes. A tip: cut a paper rectangle that permits you to see only your eyes in the mirror. Practice smiling just with your eyes. Get used to the feel of your cheekbones as they lift to brighten your eyes. When you see how a great smile LOOKS, remember how it FEELS. When you can finally project your best smile, hold it. Turn away from the mirror. How does your face feel? What muscles are you using? Make an effort to develop muscle memory, so you can instantly recreate this smile at will.
THE SMILING REMINDER
Sometimes it’s life’s little reminders that help us focus on making self-improvements. I set out to find a “smile” lapel pin as a permanent token of my smile’s importance. After a fruitless one-year search, I commissioned the design and production of smile pins. Now when I encounter a total stranger with a million-dollar smile (not an everyday occurrence), I share the compliment, “You have a wonderful smile…thanks for brightening my day! I’d like you to have my golden smile pin.” Then I might add, “And someday, when YOU see a total stranger with a fantastic smile, you can pass on the pin to them.”
This little reminder has conditioned me to search out life’s glowing smiles, and not to allow them to pass unnoticed. I always carry “golden smile” pins. And when I spot a show-stopper smile, I always express my appreciation.
Other strategic pluses:
1. The pin reminds me never to leave home half-dressed: without my smile. Even while I’m running routine errands, it keeps me focused on smiles as life’s true blessings.
2. By shaping my focus, the pin increases awareness of my public appearance and attitude. For example, when in a grocery line, I don’t want the checker to glance up and think, “Why in heaven’s name is this sourpuss wearing a smile pin?” It forces me to wear a friendly face all day.
3. The pin encourages me to compliment others. When I fail to say a kind word about someone’s beautiful smile, I feel guilty. Now, that’s what I call constructive guilt! We’ve often been conditioned to feel shame because we’ve not lived up to what others expect, but isn’t it more positive to suffer guilt for failing our OWN expectations?
You needn’t search for a smile pin to remind you. You can choose another object, like a clown pin, that will program you to focus on smile power. Or consider something that nobody else sees, like whimsical underwear. In fact, you may discover that the sheer strength of just your awareness can create positive life changes. With practice you can focus on life’s smiles; and create your own relaxed, naturally warm smile. And THEN when you get back a roll of photos, you’ll like almost all of them! That’s certainly been my pleasant experience. And when you encounter customers, strangers, or loved ones, you’ll always be ready to pass on your award-winning smile!
It’s not breaking the eggs that does the lasting harm; it’s the continual walking eggshells. Emotional damage has a way of lingering in the times between resentful, angry, or abusive flare-ups. The empty, dull ache of unhappiness is most accurately measured in the accumulative effect of these small moments of disconnection, isolation, and dread.
If you live with a resentful, angry, or abusive partner, you probably have a vague feeling, at least now and then, that you have lost yourself. In your constant efforts to tiptoe around someone else’s moods in the hope of avoiding blow-ups, put-downs, criticism, sighs of disapproval, or cold shoulders, you constantly edit what you say. You second-guess your own judgment, your own ideas, and your own preferences about how to live. You begin to question what you think is right and wrong. Ultimately, your perceptions of reality and your very sense of self change for the worse.
The cold fact is that it’s hard not to lose yourself in the morass of what you should say or what you need to do (to keep things peaceful) and how you’re supposed to be at any given moment. If you have to be one thing one minute and behave a different way in another (depending on your partner’s moods), your confidence and sense of self can seem to disappear. You begin to feel that you cannot reclaim yourself or begin to feel better until he changes and starts treating you better.
The understandable but tragic expectation that you are dependent on him for your emotional well being is the first thing you must change. You must heal and grow, whether or not he changes. Although our inborn sense of fairness and justice tells you that he ought to be the one to make changes, your pain tells you that you need to become the fully alive person you are meant to be. This means that you have to remove the focus from him and put it squarely on you. Happily, that is also the best thing you can do the help him and your relationship. This book will help you reclaim your true sense of self. That is its primary goal. But it will also help change your relationship.
All the tools you need to heal are in these pages. All the tools that he needs to replace resentment, anger, or abusive behavior with compassion are also in these pages. The first part of the book is about reintegrating your deepest values into your everyday sense of self. This will make you feel more valuable, confident, and powerful, regardless of what your partner — or anyone else — says or does. As you read these pages and reconnect to your deepest values, you will naturally, forcefully, and compassionately demand value and respect from your partner. Your compassionate demand for change is likely to be the only thing that will motivate him to once again be the man you married. But whether or not he changes, you must connect with your enormous inner value, resources, and personal power to stop walking on eggshells and to emerge as the richly creative, beautiful whole person you truly are.
The Worst Things
One of the worst things that can happen to your health and happiness is to live with a resentful, angry, or abusive partner. The worst thing you can do to your soul is become a resentful, angry, or abusive partner. And the worst thing you can develop in a love relationship is an identity as a victim, which destroys your personal power and solid sense of self. The cry I hear over and over again from women who walk on eggshells is, “I don’t like the resentful, angry person he’s made me.”
To stop walking on eggshells, you must overcome abusiveness and victim-identity. Your emphasis must be on healing, growth, and empowerment. The true issue at stake is your core value - the most important things about you as a person - not his behavior or your reaction to it. As you reinforce and reconnect with your core value, you are far less likely to be a victim. As you experience the enormous depth of your core value, the last thing you will want to do is identify with being a victim, i.e. with “damage” or with bad things that have happened to you. In your core value you will identify with your inherent strengths, talents, skills, and power as a unique, ever-growing, competent, and compassionate person. You want to outgrow walking on eggshells, not simply survive it, and you do that only by realizing your fullest value as a person.
You Both Walk on Eggshells
If you feel that you are walking on eggshells, you probably do not realize that your partner is, too, though in a different way. He is so reactive to you and so unable to regulate his reactions that he constantly expects you to say or do something that will “push his buttons” and “make” him withdraw or attack. He feels that you are totally in control of his emotions, and all he can do is pout or shout like a defiant child. He feels that you control him.
The Pendulum of Pain
Please do not make the mistake of thinking that you can heal yourself simply by getting in touch with your understandable resentment and anger and leaving your relationship. Most of the women who leave (or nearly leave) out of resentment and anger end up returning out of guilt, shame, and anxiety, when they see how lost their husbands seem without them. They enjoy a brief honeymoon period following the reunion, until the tension returns and the resentment and anger get overwhelming. So they leave again (or withdraw emotionally from their husbands), only to face renewed guilt, shame, and abandonment anxiety, once the resentment and anger subside. Sometimes economic considerations drive women to return to these relationships, but they are not the most compelling factor. Research shows that women with means return to walking-on-eggshells relationships as often as women who are financially dependent. My own mother, like many of my clients, was the sole support of our family, yet!
she returned to my unemployed, resentful, angry, and abusive father 13 times in my first 11 years of life.
This pattern of leaving (or nearly leaving) out of anger and resentment, only to return out of guilt, shame, and anxiety is a hallmark of walking on eggshells. I call it a pendulum of pain. It has nothing to do with your “indecisiveness” or your personality. It follows from the strengths of your emotions, from your attachment to your husband, which we’ll explore more in the next chapter. Resentment and anger at loved ones always resolve into guilt, shame, and abandonment anxiety. These painful, completely irrational emotions keep you attached to your husband no matter how bad the relationship is - these emotions developed in our brains at a time when to leave the tribe meant certain death on your own, by starvation or saber tooth tiger.
As long as you love someone, the only way to keep resentment and anger from turning to guilt, shame, and anxiety is to stay resentful and angry all the time. It might be safer if you did stay resentful and angry all the time, but that is probably not your nature. When your resentment subsides and your anger is exhausted, the pain of seeing someone you love in distress can become overwhelming and make you return to your now-remorseful, if not helpless, partner. However, if he does not learn to regulate his resentment, anger, or abusive behavior with compassion for himself and for you, the pendulum will swing back and forth, again and again.
http://compassionpower.com
Technorati tags: resentment anger resentful angry abusive
Here’s the mindset you should have if you really want to be successful when it comes to dating and meeting women.
Firstly, take all the things that your mom and dad ever taught you about how to treat and date a woman and do the exact OPPOSITE!
It’s not a secret anymore that even though a woman constantly says that all she wants is a nice, sweet, and caring guy in their life, often times they’re actually lying to themselves — without them even realizing it!
It’s true!
Seriously.
In the movies, yes, the girl always falls for the nice guy, but in real life, especially more so if you really want to be able be with as many women as possible in your lifetime - the nice guy route will get you nowhere and you’ll end up getting nothing but rejections.
I’m not going to go into the details on the ‘why’ part of it because most of you might have already know about it.
But what I AM going to talk about today is why do women, especially attractive ones can act rather ‘bitchy’ and rude sometimes and how you can effectively pick up one - with ease.
First of all, you have to understand that attractive women, they get ‘hit on’ one way or another at least 10 times a day everyday - consistently.
Now at first it may all seem happy and nice with them receiving all the attention from the guys, and sure they can be all cutesy and polite to them whenever they’re being approached but after a while, it all tends to get rather irritating and annoying - merely because they’re hearing the same ol’ lines, howlings and perv stares over and over again.
Exact words from a woman’s mouth - not mine.
So what they do about it?
Well in order for them to ’save time’, they would then be ‘forced’ to be more ‘to the point’ or as we like to call it ‘bitchy’ to the guys that approach them.
Why must they be so mean?
Simply because they HAVE to.
You see, if they weren’t mean enough, guys who are usually thick-skinned will not get the point and they’ll keep on pursuing UNTIL she says a firm no.
Makes sense?
How do I know this? Well, to be honest with you, it was merely by chance. I didn’t get any of it at first until I started to really mix with women.
Sometimes, it’s really good to have close girl friends because you might learn a LOT from them. I now begin to see it all from THEIR perspective now…
How to approach a woman?
Now, I’ve noticed that most guys (the majority of them actually), whenever they approach a woman, they always start off by saying something like ‘Hi there, you’re gorgeous, oh by the way, my name’s John, what’s yours? I’d like to get to know you, bla bla bla…”
Heard of such a line before?
Or probably something along these lines?
Now, think about it. If you’re a girl and you get asked the same question about 5-10 times a day, do you think that there’s a high chance that you’ll get immune to it?
Of course you would!
And I’m not guessing here because I had a girl friend who once told me the same thing that I’m telling you now!
It’s just too ‘typical’ for them to receive such lame, everyday ‘pick up’ lines.
Best thing is, do you know instead what they would rather hear?
Try this:
Go up to her, and just give her a funny compliment on something she LEAST expects to get a compliment on (NEVER compliment her looks, she’s immune to that, remember?), you can compliment on her funky hairstyle, her heels, her big ears — anything.
Just as long as its something she LEAST expects to hear from a guy.
Using humour is always good in picking up women. Humor added with a bit of spunk, along with a spot-on sarcastic tone and body language will definitely seal the deal for you — and get her interested.
Surely.
Think about it.
This works. :-)
When your world is filled with many wonderful opportunities,
it can feel difficult if you feel you must choose between
them, and it’s equally rough if you have a hard time saying
no to people. Yet saying yes to everything can lead to both
over-commitment and resentment, which can erode your
relationships, whether at work or home or in your community.
Many people feel the symptoms of this without realizing what,
exactly, is going on. See if you recognize yourself in any of
these symptoms:
- feeling conflicted in what you “should” do versus what you
“want” to do,
- feeling exhausted,
- feeling guilty because you are afraid you are letting others down,
- not having enough time,
- feeling resentful, and
- feeling as if the weight of the world is resting on your shoulders.
If you have any of these feelings, it’s time to take your
life back. It’s time to collect your personal energy and
redistribute it according to your priorities. Take your
power back from the invisible tyrannies of a material
culture that says, “More-more, faster-faster is a better
way of life.”
The solution is something we call “selfing,” neither
selfish nor selfless, but the perfect balance between
the two. Selfing is the skill of being true to yourself
and making commitments to others only when it does not
involve sacrifice. (In this context, sacrifice means doing
something you don’t want to do because you fear what might
happen if you don’t.
For more on this, see part 1 of this article series.
Needing to accommodate others’ desires and curry their
favor at your own expense can be a cruel master; living
your life according to other people’s terms of success
is no kind of life–or success–at all. Take your life
back and recommit it to the people and activities that
bring you the most peace, happiness and long-term
satisfaction. Here’s how you can start today:
1. Make a list of the relationships and activities that
bring you the most peace, satisfaction and a sense of
deep meaning in your life. Be sure to include time for
regenerating and inspiring yourself.
2. Make note of how much time you spend in
those activities or honoring and nurturing those
relationships. Does it seem that you aren’t giving
enough to these areas?
3. Create the time to honor your priorities.
Perhaps you’ll have to start declining some invitations
or scheduling your time better and then sticking to it.
Perhaps you may have to set some new boundaries with
friends or co-workers.
4. Write down the obstacles to re-ordering your
life to your true priorities.
5. Create a strategy to overcome the obstacles.
Get help from a friend or coach if you need it.
6. Refuse the efforts of others to manipulate,
control or produce guilt in you. Be willing to upset
the status quo for a while till things find a new and
healthier balance.
7. Commit to loving yourself enough to stay on
track with this new resolve.
Your life belongs to you. If you don’t take care of it,
you will suffer and everyone who really cares about you
will suffer. The high art of self-love and self-care
cannot be delegated. When you do honor yourself, you
honor those you care about, too. You create relationships
in which everyone can share true feelings and genuine
commitment without sacrifice. Instead, they are filled
with honesty and the real desire to live, love, play,
work, or build something of value together.
andcopy; 2006 Paul and Layne Cutright - All rights reserved.
You may publish this article in its entirety and with
the authors’ resource information intact.